an ode to the two-ply

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Tissue paper is like success — it’s mandatory.

Or here’s another way to look at it:
The absence of tissue paper = the presence of failure.
I nearly had a cardiac arrest when I found out from a cohort that men, in 2015, invite Damsels over their quarters for courtship with NO tissue paper in the house!
It is IMPERATIVE that men have a bountiful stock of tissue paper available for her comfort and protection. Catch a damsel on a good day, and she’ll ex you off of her prospect list if her hind parts wasn’t properly accommodated.
After all, women have a lot of operations to maintain their beauty and most of those things involve tissue paper consumption.
Any man who has a stack of Quiznos or Chipotle napkins on the back of his toilet in place of benevolent tissue paper should be ashamed of calling himself a man. Insult to injury, these aren’t even the good napkins like the ones you find at a summer BBQ. These are the brown, watered down recycled napkins — which are probably equally as effective as using the old school Happy Meal boxes to make a clean sweep.
And so you ask — what is a good amount of tissue paper to have on hand?
Have at least 7 rolls on deck.
That’s a healthy inventory for at least one evening of wooing.
I should know.
I spent most of my early childhood years with three women in the house.
Do you know how long Tissue Paper lasted in my home?
11 seconds.
And not the roll, I’m talking about the entire package.
Go and Get a Major Edge on your paper products:
They’re not too plush to buy
They’re too clutch to shy
This is an ode to the two-ply
~Charles Kellam

New Look | Same Great Taste

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The One That Got AwayI sat and pondered about this post while sipping from a coke can that read the words “Dreamer” along the side of it. A lot has happened since the last time we met. I published The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge) in January 2014 — which has done quite well by the way and I thank every and each one of you for the sales and support. Yes, I said “every and each.” I also experienced Africa for the first time, and then a second — traveled across the globe and proposed to the most gorgeous woman in the world — spoke to some kids — stood on a few stages to a few groups of strangers and told some stories that elicited laughter — travelled some more — and of course, bought a few new suits and hats along the way. Needless to say, time has gotten away from me. And time, whether you’re having fun or not, flies, doesn’t it? So…you might as well enjoy it. You owe it to yourself.

Life has been more than a blessing and I’ve been enjoying every second! A dear friend and brother of mine inspired me to keep the blog alive, not so much for own benefit, but to pay the inspiration forward. I took some time to get my thoughts in order and realize that I come to you now as a better, more polished man. A man in love, first of all. A man who has seen some of God’s green earth’s most necessary sights with mere dollars in his checking account. A man with no tattoos on his spirit. A more vulnerable, giving man who is more polished, self-aware, fearless and unapologetic. A man who is funny sometimes — a man who is letting his beard grow in for the first time because She likes it. A man with the edge that he spent 6 painful years writing about before the book was published. I’m excited to bring this man to you on a regular basis. I’m all in.

Thank you for continuing to support me and please do share.

Anticipate me.

~CK

 

 

 

Yes, please.

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Here’s a long status for you. Yes, please. So I’m embarking on an incredible voyage tomorrow — ETHIOPIA. I’m terribly honored at the opportunities that God & Jesus Christ has made ajar up for me. It’s always been a lifelong dream of mine to be able to go to Africa and use my gifts to impact people. I still can’t get over the fact that tomorrow is the day. It’s been 8 years since I’ve stepped on the stage as a stand up comedian — and as an unorthodox style with unprecedented purpose — I thank God for every fan of the art form who has lent me their ears throughout the years. Part of why I’m taking this pilgrimage is that I’m burnt out. As some of you care to know, I published a book recently. I’m sure that I’ve inundated your newsfeed with its promotion long enough. Well, this book was hands down the most arduous task I’ve ever accomplished in my life. It feels rewarding now but honestly, IT BURNT ME OUT. So much of my life experiences, my soul, and my bone marrow went into this piece — that sometimes — it feels like I don’t have much more to give. And anyone who knows me knows that I’m anti-LA despite the fact that I’ve been there over 9 years. Most of the residents are opportunistic, pretentious, and ungrateful — some of the most inauthentic people I’ve ever come across. A lot of people are not happy for you when you reach your Zenith, but then again that’s anywhere. But also – you must know that I’ve met some lifelong friends and comrades from LA — both in the biz and outside. Notwithstanding, Los Angeles is burning me out. Hence, my writing has taken a toll, my stand up comedy, and even my body. I’m going to Africa to recharge — spiritually — mentally — creatively — physically. There’s so much more to life than self-gain…I’ve embraced this notion…and it’s important for you to do the same. I plan to work with children, promote literary awareness, tell jokes, build playgrounds, and immerse myself into a culture that is admittedly so less fortunate than my own — all, without pay. I don’t want it. What will be paid to my heart I know is so much more valuable than cash. Iron sharpens iron. And as an artist, it is my job to sharpen myself so that I can bring it to whoever’s listening, reading, or watching.

Life is but a vapor. Don’t take your days for granted. Africa doesn’t have Starbucks with free wi-fi every two blocks — so please don’t fret if you don’t hear from me via text, email, or status. Don’t worry. I’ll come back wavy. But if by chance I don’t, the Nissan and the Acura is in the will for you Daniel Auspicious Hunter. Joke. Okay, maybe not. Be wavy and I love you — all of you. I’m happy for anything positive that you’re doing. Yes, please. ~Charles Kellam “The Philly Cat!”

 

Mom-Meezy & I @ 5Guys

RSVP FOR THE BOOK OF G.A.M.E. SIGNING AND FUNDRAISER

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This is A Wavy affair.
RSVP FOR THIS ONE DAY EVENT: A classy event that will have you laughing and inspired by the end of it.

The Official Book Signing for The Book of GAME –a universal handbook that destroys the outdated rules of dating and life.

A selection will be read from the author followed by open forum to have any of your questions answered. And then it REALLY gets wavy…

Comedy Show and Live Music.
Stand up by celebrity comedians London Brown , Dejon, the Author and of course, a special guest lady. (Gotta have a damsel!!!!!) Music by William Hawkins.

NOW YOU PROBABLY HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS…

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WHEN AND WHERE IS THE EVENT?

GARDENIA RESTAURANT & LOUNGE

7066 Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood, California 90038

8:30-10PM PST

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WHAT ABOUT PARKING?
The Chase Bank Parking lot across the street from the venue will be rented out for this event — and it will be free for the evening.

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IS THERE A COVER CHARGE?

Admission is free with purchase of the book at the venue. If you already own “The Book of G.A.M.E.” – bring it and use it as your ticket. There will be a signing and photo ops after the show.

To be respectful to ownership, there is a TWO ITEM minimum at the Gardenia lounge which is easy considering they have a delicious menu and a full bar.

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IS THERE A DRESS CODE?

No. Dress fresh. If you’re proud of how you look when you step out the house, then so are we.

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WHO SHOULD I BRING?

A date. An ex. A husband, wife, sister, friend or stepson. Anyone you know who enjoys laughing and being around good energy.

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HOW MUCH IS THE BOOK?

The book will be on sale for $15 and available for purchase at the door. 70% of the proceeds will benefit the Swings for Dreams Organization — which builds playgrounds for kids in Africa.

If you haven’t already, you are encouraged to peruse the book during the show just in case you have any questions for the author during the open forum.

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WHAT IF I CAN’T MAKE IT?

Then, don’t.

This will be the only book signing in the Los Angeles area but keep in mind that “The Book of G.A.M.E.” by Charles Kellam is available worldwide on Amazon.

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WILL THE SHOW BEGIN ON TIME?

YES! And it will end on time.
In other words — if you’re late, you’ll miss something good.

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The Book of G.A.M.E. (Getting a Major Edge) is trailblazing it’s path of becoming a national bestseller. Released in January 2014, the content has captivated audiences by its sleek, universal and modern approach to dating and life. The author and renowned comedian, Charles Kellam “The Philly Cat!” has been heckled by his fans — in a good way — about commencing the first official book signing. Well, here it is.

After the show and book read, the author will be conducting a book signing. 70% of book sale proceeds will benefit Swings for Dreams — an organization that builds playgrounds for impoverished children in Africa.backCoverImageFinal

BUY ME FOR UNDER A DOLLAR!

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SET YOUR CALENDARS FOR MARCH 29TH!

“The Book of G.A.M.E.” is having a 12 hour sale for Kindle this Saturday for only $0.99!

The early bird gets the whale. You can own this masterpiece for only $0.99 between the hours of 7AM to 9AM and the price will increase every 2 hours thereafter. Take advantage. ONE DAY SALE ONLY. Tell everyone you know.

Buy me for under a dollar. Yes, please.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Book-M-E-Getting-Major-Edge/dp/1490369325/ref=la_B00HLR7EHM_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395747932&sr=1-1I will cost $1 on March 29th!